DOG'S EYE VIEW

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27th October-8th November - features the following subjects: My humans, Choosing humans, The noble art of carpet scratching, Devastatingly dull food, Fenix the cockatiel, Martha the Bedlington, Martha on my mind, The Dandington puppies, The war against Vacuum Cleaner, The mythical "work" excuse, The eye-opener.

Monday 10th November 1997 - Human guests

When I was a young puppy, I thought humans could be divided into two groups: family members and evil humans (murderers, burglars, axe-killers, kidnappers etc). I have since realised that there is also a third group - human guests. Human guests are somewhere in between the two groups. Confusingly, I also have two humans called Peter and Maria who are actually both family and guests. I feel it is my duty to guard and protect them as well.

Every now and then, my humans invite human guests to my house. I think that is really great - it's nice when humans come to adore me. They naturally consider me one of the world's eight wonders. Speaking of wonders, I really wonder if there is any logic to human behaviour, or if it really is as erratic as it seems.

For instance, just look at the way humans greet each other. When the human guest arrives, more often than not (s)he shakes front paws with my humans and, curiously, display hostility: they show their teeth and stare each other in the eyes. Clearly, both parts are trying to provoke a big fight. This always strikes me as really strange - why do they feel so hostile towards each other??

After the hostile greeting procedure, there is obviously some sort of reconciliation and before too long the guest is often provided with food or cookies. This is the best part about having guests, and it also means that I will get a cookie. My bullet-proof tactic is to sit down next to the guest (the most generous one, if there are several guests) and politely say "Howdy mate! How are ya?". This always seem to make Husse and Matte panic - they seem to think that I will harass the guest for the rest of the evening. Matte or Husse will say "Leave the guest alone, Rasmus! Come, have a cookie here instead". I go to Matte or Husse and get my cookie and then they will turn to Stefan and say "Can you take care of Rasmus?". This is actually really good - some human guests don't give me any cookies, but Stefan is no problem to get cookies from. I just have to sit by his feet and look really pitiable and sad and he will give me cookies at regular intervals. (Getting cookies from Stefan almost feels like stealing candy from babies - it's almost too easy)

After a while, I try to sneak away to drink some water, even if I'm not thirsty. The reason for doing this is that when I get back I can walk up to the guest and say "Hi again! Hope you are having a good time!". The same thing will happen again - Matte and Husse will panic, offer me a cookie and then they will ask Stefan to take care of me. This procedure can be repeated several times, always with the same successful results. Yes, it is really good to have human guests here...

Tuesday 11th November - The human dinner

Wednesday 12th November - Hostile hospital house

Today Matte decided that I should pay my annual visit to Mrs. Vet. Mrs. Vet is a doctor who has a hospital in the neighbourhood. I must admit I am not terribly keen on Mrs. Vet - she and her kind reminds me of some dentist from a horror movie. And the members of the Vet family sometimes don't have a clue what they are talking about. Many years ago, another Mrs. Vet told Matte "Your dog should be on a diet for a while". I pricked up my ears and expected this Mrs. Vet to inform Matte how wrong it is to serve dogs "dog food" and that I should be on a diet of entrecote for a while. But no, Mrs. Vet said "He should not be served food with lots of protein, like meat". When I heard that, I felt detestation and contempt for her professional incompetence. If I have to visit some Mrs. Vet annually, why can't my humans at least take me to a good one??

Anyway, earlier today I found myself in Mrs. Vet's waiting room. There are lots of other dogs (and, unfortunately, some cats) here and they're all noisy. I am not in chatting mood - I am trying to think of a way to escape from this evil building. The waiting room is so sterile, so lifeless, so soulless. Mrs. Vet should at least provide all her guests with entrecote while they are waiting, but no. Perhaps the Vet family are conspiring against us dogs, perhaps they find it even more difficult than other humans to accept that we dogs are the cream of the creation crop. This place is so depressing.

I try to not allow myself to be provoked by Mrs. Vet when I'm in her room. She looks at my eyes, my ears, my paws, listen to my heartbeat in a stethoscope and so on. I think she really wants me to bite her, so that she can say to Matte "Your dog should NOT be served entrecote at all, he should only get parrot food into the heavens everlasting". I am not going to be provoked (and why does Matte take Mrs. Vet's side and say "I understand" in these situations, rather than saying "You're talking rubbish! Rasmus should be served entrecote all the time!"??). Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Vet will not get what she wants from me.

After several minutes of pathetic attempts from Mrs. Vet to provoke me, she finally gives up and lets me go. When Matte and I pass through the waiting room I glance at the waiting dogs and see their pathetic scared looks. They obviously aren't as courageous and brave as me. I am not afraid of Mrs. Vet, that's for sure. "HA HA!! YOU ARE ALL YELLOW CHICKENS!!! YOU COWARDS!! I'M MUCH BRAVER THAN YOU!!" I say to them. "Stop barking, Rasmus, we're going to go home now" Matte says.

Back home again, I feel that sweet taste of victory. Once again, I have showed Mrs. Vet who's the boss. I feel so good when I think about it.

Thursday 13th November - The wild hedgehog chase

One thing I find very stimulating is hunting. I get both physical and mental training by hunting - physical, because one has to run after the prey, and mental, because one has to work out a good strategy to catch the prey. I find it particularly enjoyable to hunt badgers, rabbits and hedgehogs. They all look a bit funny and sound even stranger. However, I sometimes feel that any dog worth his salt can catch a badger or a rabbit - the challenge simply isn't too big. Hedgehogs, on the other hand, are more interesting. On their spines, they have thornlike thingies which are razorsharp. I know some dogs are even a bit scared of hedgehogs due to this, but I feel that it is exactly these thornlike thingies that sort the men from the puppies, so to speak. One of my best hunting memories is a wild hedgehog chase I experienced while holidaying with my humans at Gotland...

It was a warm summer evening in late July, and Matte and Husse were sitting in the living-room watching television. They were drinking coffee and eating cookies and I was sitting by Matte's feet making sure I got the cookies I was entitled to. Suddenly I sensed something... that distinctive hedgehog smell. I could tell that the hedgehog was very close, perhaps just outside the door. I looked at Matte and Husse, but they didn't seem to have noticed the smell (this again shows that they haven't got the slightest sense of smell - even a newborn Dandie Dinmont Terrier would instantly recognise the characteristic smell of a hedgehog). A hedgehog! Trespassing on my territory!!

This is not just a matter of principle, there are other things at stake as well. Humans often have an odd reaction when they see a hedgehog - they are prone to saying things like "Oh look, a hedgehog! Isn't it cute! We should give him a bowl of milk or something!". I am not really a keen milk enthusiast, but that doesn't mean that it should be given away to any old animal. And a hedgehog is not cute - I am cute and a hedgehog doesn't look anything like me.

Anyway, there was a distinct smell of hedgehog just outside the door. I decided that the best tactic would be to make an instant attack against the trespasser. I ran towards the door screaming "GO AWAY YOU DISGUSTING HEDGEHOG!!! THIS IS MY TERRITORY AND YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE ANYTHING FROM MY HUMANS!!! GET BACK TO SOME PLACE WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!!". I knocked the door open (in the background I could hear Matte say "Has Rasmus gone mad? Why is he barking so angrily?") and spotted the hedgehog immediately. It was sitting right under the table eating some of the crumbs from my humans' dinner a couple of hours earlier. A hedgehog eating crumbs belonging to me??! Clearly, this was unacceptable. I growled and showed him my teeth and he huddled up, presumably thinking his razorsharp thingies would protect him. A millisecond later, I opened my jaws and grabbed the hedgehog, still growling aggressively. I felt really pleased with myself and was congratulating myself on yet another hunting triumph, when suddenly I felt someone pull my leash. It was getting difficult to breathe and I had to spit out the hedgehog loser. Someone dragged me away from the hedgehog and suddenly I felt cold water being poured on me. I heard Matte waffling something like "NAUGHTY NAUGHTY DOG!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO THE POOR LITTLE HEDGEHOG!! NAUGHTY DOG!! BAD DOG!!". Yeah yeah, whatever. It didn't really matter - I felt really pleased with myself. It had been great fun, I had once again won the battle against a hedgehog and I also felt pretty sure that there was one hedgehog who wouldn't be trespassing onto my territory anytime soon (he looked really shocked and stunned as he wimpily walked away from the scene...). Once again I had showed everyone present who the real king of the place is.

Friday 14th November - Lucrative laundry

Quite often, I find myself longing for a cookie between meals, so to speak. Like today, for instance. I had already been served my breakfast (it was dog food. Again.) and Husse and Matte had gone to "work" as usual. Only Stefan was still around, and he was in the living-room watching something on television. I was feeling a bit disappointed with my breakfast - why do I always have to get dog food?? So I started to think of cookies - gingerbread biscuits, chocolate biscuits, sponge cakes, Maryland cookies, Chocoleibniz... really mouthwatering thoughts. I went up to Stefan in the living-room and said "Stefan, can I please have a cookie?". His response was a bit odd - "Yes, yes, we're going to take a walk soon". I repeated my request and he responded "Yes, yes, soon. I won't forget to take you for a walk". Sigh. He has such limited linguistic abilities.

When I was a young puppy and learning everything about the world, my older brother Muppe gave me an advice: "If you are feeling bored, it is really fun to steal one's humans' dirty laundry. You can find some hidden spot and spend some time chewing on laundry. It doesn't taste good at all, but it is really fun as well as easy to chew to small pieces." Muppe was a cool character and I decided to keep it in mind.

Oddly enough, when I arrived here and started to steal my humans' dirty laundry, it was almost as if they had seen such things before, as if they were almost anticipating it. The first time I stole a sock from Peter, I was spotted by Matte and I remember how she said "Can Matte please have the sock? It is Peter's sock. Be a good dog now and give the sock to Matte". I refused, of course. Then she bettered her offer: "If Matte gives you a cookie, can I please have the sock?". This sounded more like it. She produced a cookie and I gave her the sock. Muppe was right - the sock hadn't tasted good at all and to get a cookie instead was much better. As a young puppy at the time, I was stunned when I realised I could get a cookie by giving dirty laundry to my humans. Perhaps they are collectors of dirty laundry and go to auctions and pay vast sums for dirty laundry? This method of getting cookies works every time.

Anyway, while Stefan was still in the living-room today, I sneaked into his room and found the socks he wore yesterday lying on the floor behind the door. I decided to go for the left foot sock and took it in my mouth. Boy, was Muppe REALLY right!!! I strolled into the living-room and made sure that Stefan spotted me. "Rasmus! That is my sock!" he said, "Please give it to me. I'll give you a cookie if you're a good dog." I got my cookie and he got his sock back, and then he went back into the living-room. He didn't remember to go pick the other sock up, so I went back into his room and picked that one up too. The whole procedure was repeated and I got another cookie.

I got two Maryland cookies from Stefan and he got two dirty socks from me. Whatever he plans to do in the future, I can tell he has no future as a business man...

Monday 17th November - Early morning festivity

Another wonderful day has just started and I feel full of energy. I think my humans and I should have a party right now. We could watch something on television, they could drink coffee and give me cookies. Yes, that sounds fun.

I walk to the bottom of the stairs and call out to Husse and Matte (who are upstairs, Stefan is in his room which is next to mine): "Good morning, my dear humans! Another wonderful week has started! I'm sure there's a beautiful aurora outside! Come down and let's party!!!".
No reaction.
"Hello!! Anybody home??? It's party time!!" I say, loud and clear.
A few seconds later, I see Husse at the top of the stairs. He looks as if he has gravel in his eyes. He starts staggering down the stairs, and at the same time, Stefan comes out of his room. I wag my tail enthusiastically to show them how glad I am to see them.
"Perhaps his bowl of water is empty?" Stefan suggests.
"What's the matter, Rasmus? Do you desperately need to get out, or what?" Husse asks.
"Let's have a party!" I say.
"Stop barking, you'll wake up Matte!" Husse says.

While Stefan checks my bowl of water, Husse takes me out for a very brief walk. I hear him muttering "4.30 a.m.!! 4.30 a.m.!!". Not sure what he means by that.
Back inside, I find that neither Husse nor Stefan find the idea of a party appealing right now. I hear the words "4.30 a.m.!!" and "Time to go back to sleep now, Rasmus". Sigh. They disappear to their respective rooms. I am not tired at all, so I start to think about hedgehogs, badgers, rabbits, entrecotes and other fun things.

A couple of hours or so later, Husse reappears (followed by Matte and Stefan before too long). After breakfast, Husse and Matte are leaving for "work" and as they open the entrance door, I see that it is chilly, windy and rainy - really lousy weather! Matte and Husse mutter about the weather. I feel a bit sleepy. It's so good to be able to take a nap in this warm and cosy room.

Tuesday 18th November - The potato thieves

It's a grey and bleak autumn day. When Stefan and I were out taking a walk, we didn't see a soul. The situation was made even duller by the pouring rain. On days like these, it feels particularly good to return to one's warm, dry and cosy home. When we got back, Stefan gave me a nice warm paw bath and dried me with a Turkish towel. That felt good. After he had left for his daily visit to the dog food store at KTH, I started thinking of a fun incident of a few months ago.

It was summer, and Matte and Husse were working in the garden. I was relaxing beneath the apple tree as well as guarding and protecting my humans against potential trespassers. Suddenly I saw the most disturbing sight. At the far end of my garden, there is a potato plot and now there were two potato thieves there - two Golden Retrievers, to be precise. Trespassing onto MY territory, in broad daylight and everything, with the specific aim to steal MY potatoes! In a second, I was transformed from a kindhearted and cute Dandie Dinmont Terrier to a blood-thirsty and enraged Irish Wolfhound (or so it felt, anyway).

I ran towards the potato plot, leaped over the garden fence and showed them my teeth, growling aggressively. "GO AWAY FROM MY POTATO PLOT!! LEAVE THE PREMISES WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY, OR ELSE..." I yelled. The sly and out-and-out scoundrels looked completely terrified. They dropped everything and started to run away. "Run for your life!" one of them screamed hysterically to the other.
"DON'T EVER LET ME SEE YOUR DISGUSTING AND SLIMY FACES AT MY TERRITORY AGAIN!!" I yelled as I chased after them. Suddenly Husse appeared at the scene. "Stop barking so aggressively, Rasmus! They have left our garden now." I stopped in my tracks - Husse was right. The trespassers had successfully been expelled from my territory. I felt very pleased with myself - I had done this all on my own and single-handedly saved my humans from potato starvation. Once again, I had confirmed to everyone present that I'm the bravest and toughest creature in the world.

Wednesday 19th November - King of all seasons

It's another grey, bleak, rainy, chilly and windy autumn day. When Matte and I are out on a walk in the afternoon, the only few creatures we meet are other dogs (and their humans). We don't see any trace of hedgehogs, bears, badgers or birds. This forest is usually so alive with the sounds and the scents of other animals. Not so now.

If I am not mistaken, many birds fly south to warmer countries at the first hint of leaves falling from the trees. Animals such as bears and hedgehogs go into hibernation at this time of year, and don't reappear until the winter is over. It seems that they can't handle a little bit of cold. What wimps! Just imagine, for instance, if I were to go into hibernation for several months. My humans would feel unprotected and unsafe and wouldn't be able to sleep at night. They would fear axe-killers, burglars and murderers all the time, probably.

We dogs, on the other hand, are well equipped for any kind of weather, be it sunshine, pouring rain, snowstorm or slushy weather. I mean, it's easy to stick around when the weather is great but it demands more to be out in lousy weather. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. So we dogs get going.
Humans also chicken out as the temperature sinks and snow starts to fall. They start to wear warmer jackets, gloves, scarves and whatnot. We dogs have no problem spending the winter wearing only collars and leashs!

All this just goes to prove that we dogs are the only perfect creatures in the world. Of course, everyone knows (or should know) this already.

Thursday 20th November - In search of the roe deers

When Stefan returned home in the afternoon and we went for a walk, I soon discovered a really interesting scent. The scent told me that a couple of roe deers were strolling around somewhere in the forest. How fascinating! I had never hunted roe deers before, and suddenly the thought of getting venision for dinner seemed very appealing. Venision, horseradish sauce and French fries... mmm, yummy!

The scent of the roe deers were leading towards the inner regions of the forest. From what I could tell, the deers were new around here. With Stefan in tow, I started to follow their scents.

The sky was even greyer and bleaker than it had been the past few days, but it was becalmed and not raining. The spruce around us towered aloft like giant trolls, watching us silently. Everything was totally quiet, not a sound, not a rustle could be heard. It was as if Stefan and I and the roe deers were all alone in this place.
The scent was getting stronger and stronger, but still not distinctive enough to determine where they were. Stefan and I walked up the hill and past the old swamp, which dried up years ago. The vegetation there is more or less impenetrable and the roes would not have been able to walk through it. No, they must have continued all the way round the swamp. We continued walking on the leafy forest path.

A few minutes later, we came to one of the forest's many rivulets. I sniffed the air. The roes had paused here in order to drink some water. I could tell the exact spot where they had been standing - their scent was lingering particularly strong there.
After the intake of water, the roe deers had continued this path northwards, past the impenetrable brushwood on our left. Their scents were stronger and fresher now. We had gained time on them, probably due to them stopping for water. They were around twelve minutes ahead of us.

We reached a crossroads. I sniffed the air carefully. One of them had chosen the left path while the other had initially chosen the right path, but then changed its mind and joined its companion (an inexperienced dog would find this quite confusing). We chose the left path too.
A couple of minutes later we came to another crossroads, a three-way one this time. The path northwards was easily discarded. The northwestern path would lead home to us, eventually. The roe deers had chosen the northeastern path, up the hill towards the place where the long gone outlook tower used to be.
"Oh, my, how keen you are at walking today! It will probably be dinner by the time we get back" Stefan said to me. I particularly heard the word "dinner" and was momentarily distracted from the roe deer trail.

By the time I realised my mistake, Stefan and I were already walking the northwestern path, heading home.

Friday 21st November - Stefan the lawyer

One of the things I really like about Stefan is how he always sticks up for me if someone says something semi-critical about me or tries to crack a joke at my expense. It doesn't matter if such a comment is expressed by a friend, a family member or a foe. On the rare occasions a person has tried such an unwise move, I have immediately detected how Stefan's scents change. His scents reveal that his eyes narrow and start to boil and shoot sparks, that an invisible steam comes out of his ears, that his pulse rockets up and that he has to bite his lip to stop himself from saying something really sardonic to the unfortunate soul who said the offending words.
Stefan's reaction isn't visible to the human eye, but a sensitive dog nose like mine immediately notices it. It's good to have this kind of unconditional support - I feel so appreciated!

Stefan also helps me to fight for my rights. An example of this occured after my humans' dinner this evening. Husse were standing by the kitchen sink, Stefan by the fridge and I was standing on the floor between them. Husse was throwing something into the bin. Suddenly Stefan turned to me and said, sounding upset, "Do you see what Husse is doing? He is throwing away YOUR food, food which YOU ought to have!" I looked up - Husse was doing WHAT???!!! "And do you know what, Rasmus?" Stefan went on, "Tonight, when you are sleeping, Husse will sneak into the kitchen and pick up everything in the bin and spend HOURS eating YOUR food!!". This was getting more and more upsetting - first Husse insists on giving me dog food every day and now this! I gave him a piece of my mind to let him know that I don't approve of things like this. "Rasmus says that he doesn't like your style!" Stefan said to Husse. Husse cracked up laughing. Not sure what he thought was so funny about this. "See, he's even MOCKING you!" Stefan continued. Then Stefan cut up a piece of cucumber and gave it to me saying "...but Stefan is on your side. Here, have a cucumber!"

This was an interesting incident and I made a mental note of who did what. (Husse later restored his plummeting image by taking me for a nice evening walk)

*****DOG'S EYE VIEW continues right here*****