DOG'S EYE VIEW

Monday 27th October 1997 - My humans

It's Monday again. For some reason, my humans aren't particularly fond of Mondays and don't look enthused when they leave in the morning. I have three humans - Husse, Matte and Stefan. Husse and Matte mutter something about "work" and "we'll be back real soon". Yeah right.
Stefan is the last to leave, and when he goes out the door he says "I'm just going to KTH in order to buy some dog food for you. I'll be back real soon!". At least he is doing something important, unlike the other two.
I'm very fond of my humans, even if they suffer from over-inflated egos. For example, they seem to think that humans are equal, yes even superior, to us dogs. This misconception probably stems from the fact that humans walk on only two legs, and hence are a bit taller. You just have look at the time it takes for humans to learn to walk (up to a year) to see that dogs develop much faster, are much more intelligent. Humans pay money to be associated with dogs - not vice versa.

Another area in which dogs are clearly superior is the sense of smell. We dogs can distinguish all the several million scents that are in the air at any given time. If one is lost, one just have to study the scents to find the way home. Humans, on the other hand, haven't got a keen sense of smell. I have studied my humans when we are taking walks and they never seem to use their noses. They obviously rely entirely on my brilliance in this area to find the way home.
I think this is why it takes them several hours each day to return home. I mean, going to KTH and buy dog food (like Stefan said he was going to) should take no more than an hour, I reckon. Yet he is usually away for hours each day. I am always concerned that my humans, without me there to help them, will go astray and never return home again. This would be real bad - I don't know how to open the fridge.

In the afternoon, they start returning home. Today Stefan came home first. We had a very emotional reunion - I was delighted to see he didn't go astray as I feared and he was obviously relieved about that too. While I was greeting him, I tried to detect where he had the dog food he went out to buy. Oddly enough, I couldn't find any trace of it. "Where is the dog food you were going to buy for me?" I ask politely. "Yes, yes, stop barking, I am delighted to see you too" he answers. Huh?? I ask again and this time his answer is "Yes, you're right, we are going to take a walk now". Obviously he is so overwhelmed with relief of returning home that he can't think clearly. I'll have to ask again after our walk.

Tuesday 28th October - Choosing humans

As I was doing my daily round around my house after my humans had gone, it struck me once again what a good choice I did when I chose my humans.
I remember the day very clearly. A few days earlier, mum and dad had gathered us puppies and spoken to us about choosing humans, what to look for and what to avoid. "Correctly treated, your humans will tend to your every whim all your lives", mum said. She also recommended we avoided army types (as they are big on discipline) and fitness freaks ("let's go jogging, doggie dear!" does not sound nice to me...). I also decided that I did not want humans who lived on the nth floor in a grey concrete skyscraper. I like to have my paws on the ground, so to speak.
If a young puppy find himself appealing to such a human, there are a few ways you can scare them off. You can start chewing on their trousers or run away like a hysterical fool or do something else asocial. It's tough, but you can't compromise when choosing humans.

Anyway, the day arrived and I met my humans for the first time. They had even brought an expert, who naturally spotted me at once. I was introduced to the four Warnqvists. I had a keen sense of smell already and could immediately detect some vital information. There was a distinct scent of pine trees, spruce and birches, indicating that their home was close to a forest. I could also scent grass and flowers, suggesting they had some sort of garden. So far so good. I could sense... three, maybe four, carpets - ideal for me who wished to continue practice the noble art of carpet scratching which dad had taught me. I remembered mum's advice and sniffed again. No trace of a barracks square or a changing-room. This was getting better. There was also something else... a very familiar scent. Not as familiar as my parents' or my siblings', but more familiar than other dogs' scent. The scent was very Dandie Dinmont Terrier-ish. Distinct, but fading slowly. Their scents so far were very promising.
One of the humans lifted me up and introduced me to the youngest human. I kissed his hand (I had seen something on TV where humans did this and it was considered well-mannered) and instantly won him over. He was particularly keen on me after this, no doubt impressed with my good manners.

I thought there was a lot of potential here. I went to consult with mum, who apart from being a shrewd business woman and a caring mother also had good intuition about humans. I told her of my impressions and she figured these humans would be worth having. After this, mum, her human, the Warnqvists and I went into a business meeting. Following some negotiations, they signed a contract to be my servants for life. It was a very good deal, and as we parted ways mum wished me luck and said "Have a good life, son!"

Ah, what a good decision I did back then! Time for some toboggan practising...

Wednesday 29th October - The noble art of carpet scratching

One of my favourite pastimes is the noble art of carpet scratching. I have been practising this since my puphood days, when dad passed on his skills and talents in this area to me. He got it from his father, so you could say that it's a family tradition.

Unlike my keen sense of smell, I find it necessary to practice a lot at carpet scratching to become really good at it. I have explained this to my humans, and asked them to keep the door to the living room open while they are away. Sadly, they have ignored my demands. I wish they would be a bit more encouraging about my superb creativity and not be so obviously envious just because they don't have any talents at carpet scratching.

Today, Stefan went to KTH to buy dog food a bit later than usual and after he had been in the living room before lunch he forgot to close the doors behind him. I felt a strong urge of inspiration calling me and so I went to my favourite carpet to practice my art. When scratching carpets, one has to have a "vision" of the final result, some sort of pattern in one's head. It is also important to scratch with the correct claw force, otherwise one can't reach perfection.
I stopped scratching, stepped back to look at it and started scratching again. Suddenly Stefan came rushing into the room screaming "STOP THAT!!! YOU ARE DESTROYING THE CARPET!!! NAUGHTY DOG!! STOP THAT!!!". I am all for idle chats, don't get me wrong, but right now I'm creating Art and don't want to be disturbed. In order to be polite, I stop scratching to listen to what he has to say, but find myself struggling to suppress a yawn midway through his sentence. When he sees that I have stopped, he turns his back and starts to walk away, so I get going again.
For some reason, Stefan turns around and again he yells "STOP THAT!!! GET AWAY FROM THE CARPET!!". I can see that he is about to go into lecturing mode, and since I haven't got time to listen to his twaddle, I adopt my best pitiable sad look, as if I'm saying "Please, please, forgive me for having commited this dreadful crime. I'm so sorry, honest. Please beat me, whip me, withdraw my next meal, do whatever you see fit - I have surely deserved it". Of course, I don't think anything of the kind, but anything to avoid his lecturing...
Stefan sees my body language and he mumbles "Perhaps I was a little harsh on you...". To rub it in, I wag my tail slightly. I've got him now. "Sorry... come, have a cookie in the kitchen" he offers. I didn't get the opportunity to finish my Art, but I ended up getting a cookie. Not bad at all...

Thursday 30th October - Devastatingly dull food

One area which my humans are not so good at is food. I don't think they really understand what is best for me. Take today, for example. I woke up having dreamt of entrecote and French fries. It was a very beautiful dream. To me, the dream was a signal, a premonition, that I would be served entrecote for breakfast today.

I watch Husse as he prepares my breakfast and when he is done he turns around and says "Breakfast, Rasmus! Yummy food!". My hopes go up - if the food is "yummy", it has to be entrecote, really. With a spring in my step I follow him into my dining-room and approach my plate. I sniff enthusiastically, expecting my nose to be treated with the wonderful scent of entrecote. But no! Shock! Horror! My breakfast is just the usual dog food, spiced up with some sausage (I would much rather have sausage with some pieces of dog food in it). I feel so disappointed. "But Husse, you said it would be yummy food" I say, my disappointment obvious in my voice. "Stop barking! If you are really hungry you will eat this!" Husse says. I can't see the relevance of his comment - I was only pointing out that he had promised yummy food. Yummy food = human food.

Dog food is... well, it's eatable, but not particularly mouthwatering. Just like black pudding. Imagine being served black pudding for every meal of your life and you will see where I'm coming from. I don't understand where the misguiding name "dog food" comes from either - it is more the type of food one would give to a cat or a parrot or some other low form of life. I certainly wasn't consulted when they invented dog food. Entrecote, filet mignon, lamb chops, beef, roasted chicken, sausage... now that's what I call dog food!

I explain this to Husse and I think he realises it was unfair to give me dog food rather than human food. He takes my plate and pours some gravy meat on it and puts it down again. In order to show him that it's only the gravy meat I want and not the dog food bits, I only eat the bits with gravy meat on them. There are some bits which haven't got gravy meat on them. I carefully pick out these and put them on the floor beside me. I am not going to eat them, will not support the bad habit of humans to serve dogs dog food. I hope Husse will understand the message and serve me entrecote tomorrow.

Friday 31st October - Fenix the cockatiel

Upstairs in my house, my humans have a pet called Fenix. Fenix is a cockatiel, sort of a multi-coloured parrot, who sits in a cage and is studying his mirror most of the time. I am used to being surrounded by pets - my parents, for example, had a horse. As for me, I can't imagine being a pet and having to spend one's life in a cage. I prefer to be my own man, so to speak.

I have met Fenix a few times, but I have never seen him leave his cage. Such a shame. I have often pondered what he would be like on a plate, perhaps with Rhode Island sauce and potatoes. However, I think that if I were to find out, my humans would get a bit upset and meter out some draconian punishment - like withdrawing one of my meals. So I have to accept that Fenix will never be my dinner. These days, I feel it is my duty to treat him like my humans - someone to guard and protect, even though it is a lesser form of life (than us dogs).

Fenix is actually quite cute and I have noticed that he is one of my big fans. I have heard him imitate my articulate and well-mannered conversations - usually he imitates when I tell my humans "Look guys, I want human food, I want more food, and I want it NOW!!! And my demands are NOT negotiable!!!". Fenix obviosly sees that I am unfairly treated by my humans when it comes to food (see yesterday's diary for further details).

Speaking of which, I think it is really unfair that Fenix, in his cage, has a little bowl which is constantly filled with food. So he can have any number of meals that he wants. He can eat whenever he feels hungry. I only get two meals a day, and I'm much bigger and much more intelligent than Fenix. I am sure that he gets entrecote every day too. Sulk.
Also, my humans have bought Fenix a CD with bird sounds on it which they play for him every now and then. They have never bought ME a CD with various dogs barking. To compensate for such a grave injustice, they should at least give me entrecote daily.

Monday 3rd November - Martha the Bedlington

I like my humans very much, and I think they are doing a good job as my servants. They work for me, they provide me with food, walks, holiday trips, company, television and so on. I couldn't possibly have better humans. However, sometimes I really wish I had someone I could really talk to, a close friend, a soulmate. It's difficult to speak about food, life, the universe and other emotional issues with my humans, since they have rather limited linguistic abilities.

Today when Stefan and I were out taking a walk, we met Martha and her human. Martha is a Bedlington Terrier I have met a few times, and we get on like a house on fire. We have always been good friends. Today when we met I noticed that Martha has a new very appealing perfume that she hasn't had before. And it struck me what a beautiful lass she is, how nice her brown eyes are.

Back home again, I can't stop thinking about Martha. She is a country lass who moved here rather recently. She has spoken to me about life on a farm, how she had horses, cows, pigs and sheep, and how it differs from life here in the city suburb. I told her of my puphood days, when my family had a horse of our own, and we compared notes about this. With Martha, I feel completely relaxed and feel that I can talk to her about anything.

When I close my eyes, all I see is a picture, a vision, of Martha and her graceful movements. Poetry in motion. Seeing how I am the world's most gorgeous dog and how she is the most beautiful lass I have ever seen, it really seems that we are made for each other. Just like Romeo and Juliet.

Tuesday 4th November - Martha on my mind

When I woke up this morning, I thought of all the evil elements of the world - murderers, burglars, axe-killers, kidnappers etc - and a horrible thought struck me: what if any of these junk humans had broken into Martha's house during the night? It is really painful to think that Martha might have been harmed in any way.

I hear, somewhere in the background, Husse say "Breakfast, Rasmus! Yummy food!", but somehow food doesn't seem important right now. I am terribly worried about Martha and with the benefit of hindsight I really think I should have been guarding her house last night. My anxieties are so overwhelming that I find it impossible to eat. The spark, the energy, to eat is lacking. All I can think about is Martha.

Later in the morning, Stefan takes me out for a walk. I am still terribly worried about Martha, but when we get to the forest I cheer up. Martha isn't there, but I can scent her perfume. She was here just a few minutes ago. I am so relieved - nothing bad happened to her after all. Suddenly all my energy comes back with a vengeance.

After Stefan has left for KTH, I think of Martha. Fragments of past conversations with her return to my memory. All her words of wisdom come back. What an intelligent and spiritual lass she is!
In the evening, I hear Husse say, "Dinner, Rasmus! Yummy food!". But I feel saddened again. So lonely. I wish I could take my plate of food and go to Martha's house. I can just picture Martha and me having dinner together in her garden under the moonlight, having a nice conversation about this and that.

I try to think of something else, but my thoughts keep returning to Martha again and again.

Wednesday 5th November - The Dandington puppies

I had such a wonderful dream in the early hours of morning today. I felt so happy when I woke up. I dreamt that Martha was here with me and we were surrounded by a tribe of cute, fleecy puppies. Our own little Dandington puppies. My puppies followed me into the living-room and I taught them the noble art of carpet scratching, passing on the family tradition to a new generation. It was a very beautiful sight - all my eight puppies looked really good at carpet scratching, already showing talent and creativity. We had access to all the carpets in the living-room and no human was there to try and discourage the young ones. I dreamed that I went on a wild hedgehog chase with my sons. In the past, I have always gone on hedgehog chases alone, and it was pleasant to be accompanied by my sons and practice some pack hunting. We surrounded the hedgehog and one of my sons took it in his mouth. I felt such paternal pride. In another dream, I dreamt that one of my little daughters came up to me and said "Daddy, what are those wimpy creatures that arch their backs, spit and make that whining miaowing sound?? And why do they exist??" and I replied "Daughter dear, they are called cats and are proof that Mother Nature has a wicked sense of humour."

I was feeling so happy when I dreamed this, but then Husse came and woke me up. He muttered something about "Food" again. He can be so... trivial sometimes.
After my humans had gone, I took a little nap and once again dreamed of Martha and our puppies. This time we were all on a holiday, with our humans there to serve us and provide us with food. Sadly, I woke up before the holiday in the dream had finished.

I feel so happy. I even met Martha when Husse and I were taking a walk, but sadly we didn't really get the opportunity to chat as our humans didn't seem very keen on the idea.

Thursday 6th November - The war against Vacuum Cleaner

After having spent a lot of time thinking about Martha before my humans came home, I felt in a really good mood. Even my dog food tasted better than usual! Probably because of the good vibes I feel when I think about Martha. After dinner, I returned to my room to contemplate about Martha and was deeply immersed in thoughts when suddenly I was interrupted...

Matte had taken out the idiot Vacuum Cleaner for exercise. When I first met Vacuum Cleaner, I thought he was another pet, like Fenix, but that was clearly not the case. Vacuum Cleaner is a robot with four wheels and a long grey tail, a very long neck and a particularly ugly mouth. Now I tolerate most of my humans' eccentrities but this one is just too much. I never did like marionettes. Apart from this robot's hideous appearance, he also makes a whining monotonous noise on his exercises as he sniffs around the floor. I think his first name sums him up perfectly.

To make matters worse, Matte decided that Vacuum Cleaner should exercise in MY room this time. Clearly, this is not acceptable. "GO AWAY, YOU PATHETIC DROID!!! THIS IS MY ROOM - NO TRESPASSING!! GO AWAY OR I'LL BECOME REALLY NASTY" I tell him. "Stop barking, Rasmus, I have to vacuum clean the lounge" Matte says. Well, I don't agree with that assessment and repeat my veiled threat, and Matte repeats her twaddle again.

I start chasing Vacuum Cleaner, with Matte in tow, away from my room and, cowardly, he tries to run away (with some assistance from Matte). I decide to hit him where it really hurts. When Matte looks away, I bite Vacuum Cleaner's silly tail. It seems to have worked - his whining monontone stops. "But Rasmus, why did you pull the cord out of the socket?" Matte asks. I just try to look innocent as if I'm saying "Who? Me?". Unfortunately, a few seconds later, Vacuum Cleaner starts his monotone again. Not being the type who gives up easily, I again bite him in his tail and again his monotone stops. "You pulled the cord out of the socket again, Rasmus?" Matte asks, with the hint of a smile on her face. I guess she doesn't really like Vacuum Cleaner either.

Matte sees that she is fighting a losing battle, so she and Vacuum Cleaner leave my room and before too long I hear how he is put away into a broom cupboard. I feel the sweet taste of victory. Triumphantly, I return to my room as a victor. My mind soon takes me back to my dear Martha. Ah, Martha, what a beautiful lass! Hope we can see each other tomorrow, so that I can tell you about my latest triumph.

Friday 7th November - The mythical "work" excuse

It's Friday again. There is a distinct difference in my humans' enthusiasm level for this day compared with, say, Mondays. I am not sure quite what the reason for that is - it seems to me that their schedules are fairly similar on both these days. They leave early in the morning for the mythical "work" and come back in the afternoon.

Perhaps the real question here is: what do Matte and Husse do in the daytime?? I know Stefan goes to KTH every day in order to buy dog food for me (it would seem smarter to me if he bought all the dog food necessary for a week at the same time, that way he wouldn't have to go to the dog food shop every day. Still, he is a human and not an intelligent dog), but Matte and Husse haven't really come up with any satisfactory explanation for their absence during daytime. Perhaps they go to some first-class restaurant and just eat entrecote all day, just to mock me? Or perhaps they go to the forest to practice their rather poor nosework (humans badly need to do this as I have mentioned earlier)? I think humans should look at us dogs and realise that the things that are important in life are food, taking walks, sleeping, being with Martha etc, not whatever-it-is-that-they-do.

Today Matte came home first, and when we were taking a walk, we actually met Martha and her human. I felt so happy, and this time we were allowed to chat properly. I noticed that Martha isn't wearing that sensual and appealing perfume she has had the past few days anymore. Not sure why. It was pleasant seeing Martha again.

Saturday 8th November - The eye-opener

I had such a nasty nightmare last night. I dreamed that I woke up feeling hungry. I went to my dining-room for breakfast, but found that my meal had already been eaten by one of my Dandington puppies. "Sorry Dad, I was feeling hungry" my scoffing Dandington son said. The little brat!! I tried to find one of my humans to complain about this, but discovered that Matte, Husse and Stefan were all out taking walks with my other puppies. I felt irritation, frustration and desperation. Then suddenly I saw a red Dandie Dinmont Terrier, with horns and a black tail, and a poker in his mouth, and he said "What you have just seen, my friend, is the Dark Side of having puppies. For the rest of your life, they will steal your food and the attention you get from your humans." Then suddenly another Dandie Dinmont Terrier appeared. This other Dandie Dinmont Terrier was white and had wings and was playing a trumpet. It said "Don't listen to that grumpy and evil bastard! There is nothing greater than the love between a dog and his puppies". The red Dandie Dinmont Terrier with the horns kicked away the white Dandie with wings and said "Don't listen to that sentimental fool! Just think of what happened to your food in the dream!"

I woke up feeling really uncomfortable. That image of my food being gone and my humans paying more attention to other dogs was really painful, and I felt relieved when I heard Husse say "Breakfast, Rasmus! Yummy food!" and when Stefan later said "Let's take a walk, Rasmus!".

I have reached the conclusion that it's better if Martha and I are just friends at this stage. Having puppies is a serious commitment, and at the moment, I prefer to have some time with my humans for myself. My humans are really great, but I don't think I would like to share them with other dogs. Exclusivity is much better. When taking a walk with Husse, we again meet Martha and her human and this just serves to confirm my feelings. It's so good to see that things have returned to normal again.

***DOG'S EYE VIEW continues right here!***